Marriages take a lot of work. Between two people in a committed relationship, a lot of effort has to be put in in order to keep things going smoothly. Contrary to common naiveté, getting married isn’t just about loving each other – it’s about combining two lives into one. With this comes a lot of responsibility and coordination.
Who is going to live where? Whose furniture will stay and go? Will there be children? Who will have a job? Who will do what chores on what day? How will you mold your lives around one another in one space? Are you willing to stay committed to one another?
These are all questions married couples should consider before tying the knot, but they often get overlooked because of blind love. While some marriages can survive without all of this forethought, many suffer eventually. Couples who end up in marriage counseling have often suffered from being ill-prepared prior to being wed.
Other couples, however, simply experience lulls or rocky periods on their relationship. Marriages fizzle out or unforeseen events like affairs or sudden traumas within a family can cause two people to drift apart or violently split up.
The goal is to put a stop to marriage difficulties before they reach a point of no return. Couples can do this through personal reconciliation or, the advised method, visiting a marriage counselor. If any of these five symptoms are present in your marriage, your best course of action is to seek counseling as quickly as possible.
You’re catching your spouse in lies
Contrary to popular belief, some lying is okay in a marriage and one lie doesn’t automatically mean a marriage is over. If a man lies about being at work to visit the bar or go to the batting cages, this isn’t the sign a marriage is over. He just wants some space. If a woman lies about a purchase here or there, it’s something to discuss – but there’s no divorce on the horizon.
Partners who either lie frequently or who lie about major events, however, could be hiding something major. These spouses are suspicious, and their lies can do irreparable damage to a marriage.
The communication has halted
Marriage is largely about communicating. Who will pick up the kids from school? Where will you be at this time so I can adjust my schedule accordingly? How do you feel about this decision? Couples who are married must contain a constant form of contact in order to make a marriage work. If this contact should be broken – say that someone needs some space or is leaving for a trip alone – there should be a prior discussion about this sudden break in the communication bridge.
Partners that stop speaking with one another are usually using the silence to mask or avoid an underlying issue. This is perhaps one of the most important signs to watch for – couples that don’t communicate are most at risk for splitting apart.
Constant negativity
Sometimes there’s a lot of communication within a marriage – but the downside is that all of this conversation is always negative. Whether it’s barbing each other with sarcastic vitriol or simply getting involved of screaming matches, this kind of communication is toxic. Venting frustrations and occasional war or words are normal, but constant yelling doesn’t bode well for marriage longevity.
Judgment, shame and disregard aren’t pleasant emotions. When one partner makes another feel like less than nothing, the relationship can be permanently damaged. Even in relationships where the verbal abuse is mutual, no one is in the right if they continue to keep up the constant arguments.
Withholding affection
Emotional abuse can be a reason for a marriage to end, but some smaller and more normalized forms of manipulation and mental abuse can be nipped in the bud through therapy. Some of these manipulative actions and words don’t register as that damaging in the minds of those performing these deeds, and education and caring can cause these actions to dissipate.
One common form of emotional abuse is withholding affection as a form of punishment. If one partner forgets to do the dishes and the response from the other spouse is to ignore them and refuse to acknowledge their existence, this could be a sign of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Fear of a partner
Do you find yourself trying to avoid making your partner angry – not out of love and concern for their own emotions, but out of fear of the repercussions? Do you get scared when something goes wrong in a day that might set your partner off? If you answered yes to either of these questions, marriage counseling is absolutely necessary.
Fear of the reaction of a spouse isn’t a sign of a healthy marriage. In extreme situations, this fear is usually a learned behavior because of physical, verbal or emotional abuse.
Sumity Paul
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